Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
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Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.