Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
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every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
I used to be married, but I’m better now
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
Trains are just sideway elevators.
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
The most important thing to remember when driving is that not everyone is smart.
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti