Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
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I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.