Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
Mistakes married women make:
1. Assuming he heard you.
2. Assuming he understood you.
3. Assuming he’ll remember.
4. Marrying a man.
You Might Also Like
Her: OMG my dad keeps texting me he’s so annoying
Me: [hoping to impress her] yeah he’s a piece of shit
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up