my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
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very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?