Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
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I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!