Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
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[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry