@IntoxicaTweeted

Misunderstandings happen when one person is clearly stupid.

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@The_MartiniGirl

Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.

@Severnjaca

Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.

@MrFilmkritik

When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.

Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.

@DannyZuker

My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.

@NotJPo

“Baby, I’m gonna make you mine.”

– sweet talker forcing someone to be a coal miner

@Marlebean

Me: Sometimes you need to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, enfarcorate, and move on. You know what I’m saying?

Friend: …

@Marcmywords2

“Only God can judge me”

People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.

@UnFitz

*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*