@IntoxicaTweeted

Misunderstandings happen when one person is clearly stupid.

Misunderstandings happen when one person is clearly stupid.

- @IntoxicaTweeted

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@professorkiosk

Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air

Michael Cera:

Sensor: *bursts into flames*

@murrman5

[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*

@ninetek

I bet the guy who invented falling asleep was totally like “Oh no! I died! Hey, wait a minute…”

@MyHairyLife

Subway calling their employees sandwich artists must really piss off people who actually paint sandwiches for a living.

@poutinesmoothie

I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.

@better_off_dad

14: I don’t have a signal.

Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-

14: It’s back.

Me: Good talk.

@pilau

Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”

@BackrowSeats

The get rich or die trying philosophy on life is going terribly one sided for me.

@LuvPug

I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron