Misunderstandings happen when one person is clearly stupid.

Misunderstandings happen when one person is clearly stupid.

- @IntoxicaTweeted

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Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air

Michael Cera:

Sensor: *bursts into flames*


[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*


I bet the guy who invented falling asleep was totally like “Oh no! I died! Hey, wait a minute…”


Subway calling their employees sandwich artists must really piss off people who actually paint sandwiches for a living.


I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.


14: I don’t have a signal.

Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-

14: It’s back.

Me: Good talk.


Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”


The get rich or die trying philosophy on life is going terribly one sided for me.


I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron