[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
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A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
I cannot stop laughing at this
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
(yawn)
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment