@robfee: Mitt Romney announcing he’s not running for president is like Johnny Depp announcing there won’t be a sequel to Mortdecai.
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@BubbleNuggets2u: I could've sworn there was less grunting and moaning the last time I put these pants on... Maybe the donut in my mouth muffled it
@BraandoCommando: Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
@Home_Halfway: RACCOON: I haven't been feeling so good lately DOCTOR: We'll let's see. Have you been staying up all night? RACCOON: Yes DOCTOR: What have you been eating? RACCOON: Garbage DOCTOR: Well you're doing all the right things