I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
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[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.