Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
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Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text