[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
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[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
No selfies while hijacking a train.
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
A leaf fell!
-My dog’s daily announcements
The act of licking afros.
“barack please don’t leave me with them”
“joe you’re leaving when I leave”
“oh right lmao love u”
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David