@junejuly12

Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?

Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.

No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!

[My dog watching me floss]

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@SortaBad

[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this

@CornOnTheGoblin

[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard

@markydoodoo

Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.

@WheelTod

We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation

@JJSummertime

Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!

-My dog’s daily announcements

@WORIDSTARHIPH0P

“barack please don’t leave me with them”
“joe you’re leaving when I leave”
“oh right lmao love u”

@caithuls

PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-

ME: [raises hand]

PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand

@ArfMeasures

ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David