mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
You Might Also Like
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?