“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
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Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
Breaking news:
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.