Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
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Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
i love meeting boys on tinder
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.