Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
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[Husband鈥檚 Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
馃ぃ馃ぃ馃ぃ馃ぃ馃ぃ
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I鈥檓 sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
paddle faster i hear baby shark
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
*knocks on neighbor鈥檚 door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 馃槀馃槀馃槀
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
gooooob morning. i鈥檓 being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would鈥檝e lost my mind
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
What鈥檚 this sorcery? 馃槀
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.