Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
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There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”