[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
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My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
The Sun’s probably Asian.
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
That eye roll….
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have