Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
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Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
💯😂
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?