Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?

Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark

Mob Boss: …

Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?

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why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*


I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.


What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?


I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.


My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.


So what if I used a time machine to kill Hitler but arrived too late? And now he’s alive and knows how to time travel? Would you guys be mad


*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*


I want to look hot on tinder.


applebee’s waiter: what would u like to order

me: i’ll take the apple

waiter: we don’t actually sell apples

me, visibly frightened: ok then. [gulps] i’ll have the bees


I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.