@Browtweaten

Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?

Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark

Mob Boss: …

Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?

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@highwaytohelv

why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*

@AshleyAlready

I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.

@Naked_Superman

What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?

@AndyAsAdjective

I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.

@causticbob

My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.

@havingafatday

So what if I used a time machine to kill Hitler but arrived too late? And now he’s alive and knows how to time travel? Would you guys be mad

@TheRolo

*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*

“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”

I want to look hot on tinder.

@heelyfanaccount

applebee’s waiter: what would u like to order

me: i’ll take the apple

waiter: we don’t actually sell apples

me, visibly frightened: ok then. [gulps] i’ll have the bees

@GregDorris

I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.