Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
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[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.