@FU_TangClan

mob boss: i need u take out the rat

[later]

rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for

me: yes it was

rat: what

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@duumb

Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.

Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!

@ShortSleeveSuit

If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it

@ClichedOut

[being murdered]

me: are u Scottish

murderer: yes

me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt

[murdering intensifies]

@ThugRaccoons

Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver

Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud

@tastefactory

PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now

@michelleisawolf

This weekend is daylight savings time, which means the clock on my microwave will be right again.

@steph_the_twit

Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’

@ddsmidt

When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.