Life is so much funnier when you have a dirty mind
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
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Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
me: are u Scottish
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
This weekend is daylight savings time, which means the clock on my microwave will be right again.
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.