mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
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Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
How wrong was this guy?
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*