Mob Boss: I need you to smoke this guy.

Me: Ok, that takes 8-12 hours for a turkey though.

Mb: I don’t care just get it done.

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This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.


Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”

Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”



Bird 1: All he had was one rock.

Bird 2: His aim was perfection.


Does Chewbacca use body wash or just shampoo and conditioner?


me: [enters symptoms into webMD] oh no i have cancer

wife: don’t listen to webMD go to a real doctor


me: well doc, what is it?

doctor: [enters symptoms into webMD] oh no you have cancer


Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.


Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…


the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates


[packing for camping trip]

me: need portable lights

jack: a flashlight?

me: nah, the bigger one with a handle

jack: oh, lantern?