1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
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Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
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If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.