This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
Mob Boss: I need you to smoke this guy.
Me: Ok, that takes 8-12 hours for a turkey though.
Mb: I don’t care just get it done.
You Might Also Like
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
Does Chewbacca use body wash or just shampoo and conditioner?
me: [enters symptoms into webMD] oh no i have cancer
wife: don’t listen to webMD go to a real doctor
me: well doc, what is it?
doctor: [enters symptoms into webMD] oh no you have cancer
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
[packing for camping trip]
me: need portable lights
jack: a flashlight?
me: nah, the bigger one with a handle
jack: oh, lantern?