MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
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I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
Facebook marketplace is a different world
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor: