mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
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Breaking news:
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence