Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
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The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”