mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
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Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
The pen is writier than the sword.
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER