[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
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“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂