@cervixsmash

Mobile tweeting with 3% battery is a lot like the band playing while the titanic sank

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@ianpauldukes

“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato

@cwhudson

[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless

@junejuly12

The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.

*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*

@DaddyJew

Coworker: people around the office think you’re too controlling

Me: what’s that?

Coworker: oh, sorry *raises hand*

@Tups13

Me: Will you help me find my Pikachu onesie?
Her: Let’s split up.
Me: Good thinking. We can cover more ground that way.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: Oh.

@MaraWilson

I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer

@atDevin

Happy Let’s-Pretend-This-Relationship-Is-Still-Working Day

@dshack8

Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*

@envydatropic

I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit

@sonictyrant

[After sex]

Her: *smoking a cigarette* where are you going?

Me: i told my mom i’d call her

Her: okay

Me: *tapping the wardrobe door* Mom, you can come out now