Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
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I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
is this meant to deter me
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first