“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
Mobile tweeting with 3% battery is a lot like the band playing while the titanic sank
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PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
Coworker: people around the office think you’re too controlling
Me: what’s that?
Coworker: oh, sorry *raises hand*
Me: Will you help me find my Pikachu onesie?
Her: Let’s split up.
Me: Good thinking. We can cover more ground that way.
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
Happy Let’s-Pretend-This-Relationship-Is-Still-Working Day
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
Her: *smoking a cigarette* where are you going?
Me: i told my mom i’d call her
Me: *tapping the wardrobe door* Mom, you can come out now