“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
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If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
[loses house key, starts a new life]
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?