mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
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[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
crochet youtube is brutal
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list