Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
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Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
Wait a minute…
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.