Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
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[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.