@einaregilsson

Moby Dick would be a lot less scary if the whale was called “Jeff”

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@marinhubka

“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*

@GrowlyGrego

[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”

@KeetPotato

[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”

@KeetPotato

[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”

@RodLacroix

[in bed, 6 AM]

Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY

@markleggett

My views are my own, although they’re heavily based on some stuff Jon Stewart said on TV last night, and the general vibe of the internet.

@SortaBad

Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?

Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation

@BGH70

The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.

I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”

@KalvinMacleod

It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.

@AndyAsAdjective

Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf