“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
Moby Dick would be a lot less scary if the whale was called “Jeff”
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“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Me: Happy Easter.
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
My views are my own, although they’re heavily based on some stuff Jon Stewart said on TV last night, and the general vibe of the internet.
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf