Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.

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My therapist told me I have a tendency to dwell on things and now I can’t stop thinking about what she said.


Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”

Happy, happy holidays.






Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”


Deranged Extremist 1: We’ll drown 100 kittens.

Deranged Extremist 2: We won’t drown ANY kittens.

Cool Centist: We’ll drown 50 kittens.


If I gave you a penny for your thoughts I’d totally be expecting some change back.


This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”


Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.


hey Liam Neeson is your “particular set of skills” gettin shit stolen from you, like, always ?


My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor

With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now