@OhNoSheTwitnt

Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.

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@AndLookPretty

My therapist told me I have a tendency to dwell on things and now I can’t stop thinking about what she said.

@_SingleBabyMama

Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”

Happy, happy holidays.

@laurascaz

INFORMER!!!

Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…

A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!

@Bownuggets

Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”

@BillCorbett

Deranged Extremist 1: We’ll drown 100 kittens.

Deranged Extremist 2: We won’t drown ANY kittens.

Cool Centist: We’ll drown 50 kittens.

@Douchekevin

If I gave you a penny for your thoughts I’d totally be expecting some change back.

@thedadvocate01

This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”

@TheThomason

Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.

@MyPolishFace

hey Liam Neeson is your “particular set of skills” gettin shit stolen from you, like, always ?

@LizerReal

My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor

With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now