What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
You Might Also Like
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
this is the greatest thing ever
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…