According to my autocorrect, i’m wearing edible pantries
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
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Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards