Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
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Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
three things we don’t talk about