Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.

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The question is not what am I doing in your house, the question is why are you home from work early?


Saw a guy steal a car using a hanger so I did what any normal person would do, walked up to him & asked “You that guy from Grand Theft Auto?


Not saying obamacare is perfect but the data doesn’t lie. With Obamacare there’ve been zero Hitlers. Before obamacare there was at least one


If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo


I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now


Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes

“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”

Me: Yes and No.


ME: We were doing the spaghetti thing from Lady and the Tramp! Ever heard of romance?

MANAGER: Sir, you cannot kiss a dog in my restaurant.


I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.

That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.


I can undo a bra with two fingers and no eyes but can’t tie a tie with both hands and a 6 minute video tutorial.