MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
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Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
The internet is magic sometimes.