Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
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Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
Jesus steals the winter solstice
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
😏😏😏
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.