model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
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Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
This is sending me to another galaxy
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.