Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
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I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it