Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
You Might Also Like
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
How about daylight saves us for once
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*