@better_off_dad2

Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.

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@BettieLoves

I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.

@wittwitbarista

Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat

@BigRedKraut

I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.

@CaucasianJames

if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat

@jackiembouvier

Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.

@mantej

In an alternate universe somewhere, all the ducks are making white girl faces.

@david8hughes

[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock

@maisonwithapen

*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?

@Shen_the_Bird

me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster

hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic