moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
You Might Also Like
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
I’d … I’d rather not.
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.