moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
You Might Also Like
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
The absolute effort that went into this omg
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.