OCTOPUS: *places tentacle on Bible*
JUDGE: Do u swear to tell the truth?
BAILIFF: *spends like 8 minutes trying to get Bible unstuck*
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
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I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
what does the girl i dated three years ago stand to gain by changing her netflix password
*accidentally digs 7 foot deep hole
I’ve made a grave mistake.
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
Having children really brought me and my wife closer together.
We have a common enemy now.