modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
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My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
Merry Christmas
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot