Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
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Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
The police never think its as funny as you do.
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
plums roundup
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.