I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settle
Congratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
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Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
He said he liked surprises, but when I showed up late at night dressed as a clown and knocked on his window, it’s all screaming and shit.
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
I was simply stating that your crying child MIGHT fit comfortably in the overhead compartment, lady. #butseriously
Paid a mime fifty bucks to follow me around for a day and do the jerk off motion every time I speak.
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
me: goodnight moon 🙂
me: goodnight stars 🙂
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me