Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
You Might Also Like
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
Sooo many times…..
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.