Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
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Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
Tastes like chicken.
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
You look like you would fail a DNA test
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
Thursday
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
August 8
Whoa 😂
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings