@AmishPornStar1

Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.

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@robdelaney

Michael Jackson would be 54 today if he hadn’t hired such a gifted nap specialist.

@GingerHotDish

My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.

You’re welcome.

@ComedicBust

Whenever I kill an ant, I always assume a surviving ant tells the rest of the ants and they have a meeting on how to kill me in my sleep.

@TheHyyyype

me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now

@rebrafsim

Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?

@C_Effin_Rex

Helping 21 with her finances.

21: How’s my credit?

Me: You could pay for something with cash and they’d still ask for collateral.

@murrman5

can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”

@Brianhopecomedy

My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.

@Slims_Ramblings

Confidence should never be confused with arrogance.

Arrogance is spelled way differently.