Michael Jackson would be 54 today if he hadn’t hired such a gifted nap specialist.
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
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My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
Whenever I kill an ant, I always assume a surviving ant tells the rest of the ants and they have a meeting on how to kill me in my sleep.
Them: did you adopt your cat?
Me: no, it’s my biological cat.
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
Helping 21 with her finances.
21: How’s my credit?
Me: You could pay for something with cash and they’d still ask for collateral.
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
Confidence should never be confused with arrogance.
Arrogance is spelled way differently.