moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
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This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
finally found a reasonable question
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
#DesignFail
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”