Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.

I think I might have a shower.

*checks*

Yes, I have a shower.

3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.

18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese

[liquor store]

Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.

Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*

Him: Oh, it’s you.

The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?

*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.

Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”

Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless

[news anchor]

“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”

Me: Did-

Wife: Your blood pressure is fine

Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?

Him: Just flush him down the toilet

Me: Gotcha. And the fish?

Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out

And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?

Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?

If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.

Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships

As a kid I wasn’t allowed to dress up and go trick or treating. So as an adult I enjoy it even more, and wish there were more satanic holidays.

EARTH:

SUN: please dont

EARTH: 🎶you-

SUN: seriously dude come on

EARTH: 🎶spin me right round

SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round

EARTH: 🎶like a record baby

SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round

My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”

Her: undress me with your words

Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?

I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.

You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?

I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave

Not now, kids.

Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet

I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.

I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.

If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.

Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.

Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!

Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.

Boss: You’re doing a great job.

In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.

[Creation]

God: “Give them hair up their nose”

Angel: “Hair? But why?”

God: “To catch their snot”

Angel: “Snot?”