*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
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If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
What a year we’ve had this week.
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
Why is no one talking about this?!
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist