*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*

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[Jaws 5]

Shia LaBeouf: Wait, is that a real shark?

Spielberg: ACTION!!


Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up


*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?


If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”

I know that now.


Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this


Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.


When coming out of any coma, try keeping your eyes shut for another day or two to see what everyone’s saying about you.


It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.


Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.