@DrCephalopod

*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*

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@withanewname

[Jaws 5]

Shia LaBeouf: Wait, is that a real shark?

Spielberg: ACTION!!

@pizza_dragon

Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up

@sixfootcandy

*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?

@jjhartinger

If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”

I know that now.

@stevevsninjas

Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this

@RobTemple101

Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.

@Blunt_Sarcastic

When coming out of any coma, try keeping your eyes shut for another day or two to see what everyone’s saying about you.

@GrowlyGrego

It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.

@DanKCharnley

Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.