Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
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[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
rolls sleeve
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-Octopus preparing for a fight
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.