Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
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In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
Google assistant rules
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
no one likes gloating
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.